I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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