textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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