the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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