If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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