im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
