god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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