The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
