The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
