If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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