Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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