I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
