Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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