why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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