after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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