I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
