This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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