whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
