My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You've changed since you got that strap on
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
