god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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