Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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