Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
