I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's rum buckets o'clock
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize