I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
