Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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