your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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