hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
