That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
