omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
