nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
