FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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