Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
