OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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