He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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