i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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