"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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