my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
