So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
