I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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