So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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