She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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