You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
