Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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