The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
