Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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