why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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