Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
