sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
