I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
