My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
