i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
