I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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