we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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