I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
