I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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