Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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